Leo Learns His Lesson
by: Sean GleesonLeo read the headlines with mounting disgust: "Study links crime, poverty, beer," "Drunk driver kills family," "Student dies from frat hazing," "Beer blamed for jet crash," "Lifting kegs bad for spine," "Study links war, disease, beer."
Angrily throwing the newspaper aside, Leo shouted, "The world would be so much nicer without beer! Why, I wish beer had never been invented! "
Just then, he heard a faint tinkling sound, like a wind chime. Or more like the canvas bag full of empty glass bottles being set down on his living room floor by the strange intruder. She had skin the color of pure malt sugar, and eyes the color of barley.
"Are you sure you want that, Leo?" she asked. Her gown was a diaphanous peignoir, woven from the finest hops. On her head rested a glittering tiara of suds. Her long amber hair had brown roots. Her shoes were sensible loafers. She was a bit zaftig, but not unattractive. She smiled, mischievously.
"Who..."
"Who am I, you are wondering," she guessed. "I have been known by many names. The pyramid builders of Ur called me Ninkasi. The horse tamers of Vilnius named me Ragutiene. On AOL, I go by CrayzeeBubbles90210. I have come to grant your wish, Leo: a world without beer! "
"But..."
"But you are confused, and hungry. Go fix yourself a snack from the fridge." Grinning, she nodded toward the kitchen.
"Hungry? No..."
"Hungry, yes! Look, go to your kitchen, okay? I'm going somewhere with this."
Leo walked into his kitchen and gasped in astonishment. His refrigerator was gone. In its place was a jumbled pile of the food which had been stored in the appliance, now lying as if abruptly dropped onto the tile floor. Meats, cheeses, and ice cream were buried under spilled milk, juice, leftover pasta primavera, and broken glass.
"Ack! Aah! Yuck!" said Leo, as a Spanish olive rolled off the pile to his feet, as if to wink in mockery.
"You see, Leo, without beer, there would be no refrigerators! Carl von Linde invented mechanical refrigeration to make beer!" She crossed her arms across her bosom and nodded in triumph. "Now, don't you think you'll need some running water to clean up this mess?"
Dumbfounded, Leo followed the direction of her gaze to the kitchen sink, which wasn't there. "What did you do with my sink?" he asked.
"Me? Nothing," she assured him. "You don't have a sink, because in a world without beer, there is no plumbing, which was invented in ancient Mesopotamia to make beer! Now come with me, I have more to show you."
Leo followed her back to his living room. Looking about, he noticed that his television, stereo, and fish tank were missing, but he didn't ask after them. The framed Hopper print still hung over the fireplace, but now it was signed "Hitler." Leo sat down and exhaled.
"You look bushed. Relax." The mysterious woman picked up the newspaper Leo had cast aside a minute ago. "Read the paper," she invited.
"I already..."
"No, you already read the paper in the world with beer. You haven't read this paper!"
Leo read the headlines with mounting disgust: "Parade to honor our benevolent Chinese masters," "Rotting food, corpses, spread plague," "All nice things outlawed," "Moscow demands more output from American slaves," "Disease, crime much higher than if we had beer, says study."
"You see, Leo, without beer, there would be no United States, because Samuel Adams, a beer brewer, wouldn't have organized the Boston Tea Party, which started a chain of events which led to American independence! So America is ruled by China instead."
Leo started to regain some of his composure. "Ah, but if there were no revolution, why aren't we still ruled by England?"
"In a world without beer, Britain sunk below sea level, so there is no England. No, it's China, all right."
"But,... this headline says Moscow..."
"In a world without beer, Moscow is the capital of China. Also, your name isn't Leo in this world. It's Stinkerbottom Poocheroo."
Stinkerbottom (formerly Leo) fell to his knees and clutched the hem of the witch's gown. "Please, show me no more! I have learned my lesson. I see now that for all its faults, the world with beer was the best of all possible worlds!" Collapsing into heaving sobs, he begged, "I beg you, end this beerless nightmare. Restore me to my former world, and I vow, from this day forward, never again to wish for a world without beer! Please... please... please..."
Just then, Leo was jerked upright by a pair of hands. He opened his eyes. The mysterious woman was gone. He wasn't in his living room. He was on a barstool at Bennigan's. "Are you okay?" asked the bartender.
"Um, yeah, I guess I dozed off there, sorry," muttered Leo. "Had a weird dream too... Say, this might sound like a silly question, but... you have beer here, right?"
The bartender looked askance at Leo. "Beer? Yeah. You've had one already, and you owe $4.32."
"Thank God!" Whistling, Leo paid the check, and added a five dollar tip. "Well, thanks for the lovely beer! I guess I'd better be heading home. Good night."
"Good night, Stinkerbottom."
posted by Tim @ 8:47 PM
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